Human’s Can’t Be Trusted

Did you unfriend me on Facebook?

It’s a new age of humanity… by pressing one key on my keyboard I can kill you.  A new breed of human with a dissociative, trigger-happy mania skims through their Facebook feed and they “hide” you so that you’ll never know that you have vanished. Possibly worse, they kill you and you return to their page to find out that you’re dead to someone; with a stabbing jab of shame you realize that you’ve been unfriended. The new blacklisting mantra (“just unfriend him”) is a dream come true– we get to play virtual God and pull the plug on others in our socially sanctioned setting. NOTICE MY ALLITERATION!! Obey me! I choose who lives or dies in this realm! A loud bellowing echo shakes the virtual kingdom… Of course, like all things in the virtual (material) world, Facebook is destined for demise and God will continue her reign. It’s not because I’m some Seer that I know this, it’s because all Force comes to an end and real Power transforms into something else.

In the meantime, did you unfriend me on Facebook? Thank you. What a relief. Suicide requires so much responsibility and in the Facebook realm, I’d have to kill you and I’d rather not.

Poor Kip: http://www.southparkstudios.com/clips/269238/ending-a-friendship

Humans Can’t Be Trusted

Hugh Hefner’s 2013 “Bunny’s Delight Cookbook”

The following is a list of recipes being considered for Hugh Hefner’s forthcoming cookbook:

Muffin Butterer

Breakfast Wood

Breakfast Burrito

Stinky Pickle

Bologna Pony

Cornstalk Cowboy

Meat Popsicle

Pork Sword

Weenie

Pleasure Pickle

Beef Baton

Pepito (A Latin American Dish)

Chorizo (Another Latin American influenced dish)

Taco Warmer

Noodle

Porridge Bazooka

Frank ‘n’ Beans

Purple Porkchop

Porksicle

Sausage

Jive Sausage

Big Italian Salami

Tube Steak

Magic Mushroom Tip

Magenta Mushroom

Bean Stalk

Beef Bayonet

Clam Hammer

Trouser Trout

Tuna Diver

Beef Stick

Boney Cannelloni

Man-sized Manicotti

Bat and Balls (an English inspired dish similar to Bangers and Mash)

or, the possible alternate, Meat ‘n’ Potatoes

Mushroom Cap

Mutton Dagger

Beefy McManstick

Bavarian Beefstick

Bacon Rod

Pig in a Blanket

AND FOR DESSERT….

Banana

Creamsicle

Custard Cannon

Sweet Meat

Honeystick

Sugar Stick

Ice Cream Machine

Licorice Stick

Melon Baster

Is this love?

We Don’t Rock No Bitch Ass Pajama Pants [EXPLICIT LYRICS]

I’ve been too busy to write. So I offer you this, in lieu.

Does this font make my blog look fat?

Overcompensation

Dear James,

We regret to inform you that this morning (Tuesday, December 18th, 2012), Alice Lee Johnson, of the Ridgemont Johnson’s Family, was found dead. The official police report stated that she was found “hung from a ceiling fan with a chiffon floral scarf.” The final autopsy report claimed that she died of ligature strangulation and her death was announced a suicide. At the site of her death, she left a copy of a recent positive pregnancy-test tucked into a page of her diary. The diary page stated the following:

♥Monday♥ Awesome ☆ To-Do-List ☆

Bring Cheerleading Uniform to Dry Cleaner

Talk to Mr. Samuels about extra credit in Honors AP Chemistry

Meet with James after skool☆*:.｡.Yay! I ❤ ♥ ❣ ❥ ❦ ❧ ღ ɞ ♡ JAMES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Call PP about *the test*

Practice for the Church Choir Solo

Stop by Daddy’s office to drop off dinner for him. Working late! Boo

Finish Powerpoint presentation on The Wrath of Achilles for Homer/Iliad Lit class

Organize my desk drawer (What a mess!)

Watch last episode of Gossip Girl.

I ❤ ♥ ❣ ❥ ❦ ❧ ღ ɞ ♡ JAMES!!!!!!!!!!    (Please note, that this was written many times in the margin. CSG). 

We are friends of the family, and informally representing them in communication matters related to their daughter’s death. A pastel purple Post-it-note attached to the pregnancy test stated, “Please tell James that I forgive him and will always love him. Please give him this.” As her death was sudden and her wishes unclear, we have replicated the diary entry here and enclosed, please find a copy of the pregnancy test.

Our Condolences,

Christopher Gold, Esq. Ridgemont Law, LLC

Does this blog need more pink in it?

All the Starlets

Have you ever attended one of these television award shows? I have. They aren’t what they look like on tv. Sometimes you’re literally standing there in your Sunday best, a Valentino suit (for instance), eating nachos and a hot dog from the concession stand. At the events with a sit down dinner, you wait until you’re starving and the food is cold. It’s worse than a wedding. I carry a granola bar, just in case. Pretty people are the most self-conscious and since this is a work event, it’s doubly bad; everyone gets drunk. The poor saps that have to present for the television are trying to keep it together, while the rest of the room, a lot of entertainment executives that the general public doesn’t know, are wasted.

Blotto.

Last year I didn’t go. I dropped some friends off at the event and went home. The only thing worse than going to one of these award shows in person, is watching them on tv on a Sunday night. At home, staring at the tv, you get seduced into a fantasy that The Spectacle is real. It’s not. These award shows are nothing but a parade of dead people. What I mean is: we’re all gonna die. No glittery dress, television appearance, or gold statue is going to protect you from the inevitable. Yes, I’m referring to Death. Capital D. It’s inevitable. George Clooney: A handsome corpse.

Sure, I’ll concede that some people have a real talent for pretending to be another person. Why not do something like pretend to be someone else until you die? These people that have a talent for being someone else, also think that they want to be famous and receive praise. They don’t; they’re merely afraid of death. It’s an unconscious fear, of course. The starlet’s death anxiety is just more garish than the rest of ours.

Who are all these people?

Dead.